Sunday, May 3, 2015

Waiting...Still Waiting...

Lately (as in since November), I feel as if I've been in a loooooooong period of waiting.

Waiting for Thanksgiving.
Waiting for Christmas.
Waiting for my laundry to be done.
Waiting for the coffee to finish brewing (Every. Day.)
Waiting for spring break.
Waiting for Easter (best week in the Church, amirite?!?!)

You get the point. Always waiting.

Finally, the week after Easter, I realized what I was waiting for. It wasn't really any of the things listed above (except maybe coffee), but something bigger. Something more. I was stuck in a rut, waiting for my life to really begin. Let me be clear, I have a job I love, students that I absolutely adore, friends and coworkers who amaze me every day, and the best family in the entire world. I have a great life. But, still...I had this nagging feeling that I was missing out on something, I just could not put my finger on what. And I was letting it drag me down, slowly but surely. I was becoming irritable and complacent because I was waiting. What was I waiting for? What am I waiting for? I don't know. I mean, if I was in the one in charge of this show, one of the following would be my life:

Option A: Married and pregnant with baby number 20,000,000 (only a slight exaggeration)
Option B: Graduating with my third PhD in Astrophysics and I'd be off to live on the space station
Option C: Become a self-made gazillionaire at the ripe-old retiring age of 21 and travel the world constantly
Option D: Be an Academy Award winning actress whose best friends were Jennifer Lawrence and Theo James
Option E: Receive my Hogwarts Letter a few years late, attend Hogwarts, graduate with Honors and work for the Ministry of Magic (I'm still secretly holding out for this option...the owl must have just gotten lost, right?)

Okay, so maybe these are just a tiny bit embellished, but you get the idea. My life, at this point, would mean something - I would have accomplished something. Yet, the week after Easter, it hit me - I have accomplished a whole heck of a lot. Case in point: this note from one of my precious students.

Every time, I read this note, I cry. It's beautiful. It shows me that what I've perceived as a period of waiting is actually a period of me becoming the woman that He created me to be. He is using this time to shape me. To mold me. To grow me in ways that I could have never imagined.

That is not to say that this period of waiting isn't painful. It is. Trust me. There are plenty of nights where I cry out for Him to take the pain of waiting away. Because waiting can be painful. But He is using that pain to grow a heart that yearns for Him. That desires to know Him more. A heart that wants to accomplish His will, not my own human one. Not one of those options above would make me happy on its own because none of them included Him. Not. One. That's not His plan for me. So, yes, this period of waiting and the unknown can be painful.

But more than that, it is beautiful. Let me say that again, waiting can be beautiful. The not-knowing can be beautiful. That's a strange thing to say because I am one that likes to have control and know what's coming next.Yet, there is beauty in the waiting. That's what He's teaching me. And that beauty is getting to know him more. That beauty is being held and comforted and whispered to in my darkest moments of doubt. That beauty comes in knowing that He waited for His Father's will to be done, so I know that I can wait. I have grown to appreciate this time of waiting because I have never felt closer to God than I do right now. I have never felt more sure that He has put me in the right place than I do right now. Do I have tough days where I doubt? Well, duh. I am human. But, He is right there, holding my hand and my heart. He is right there, right in front of me, waiting for me to turn to Him with my pain, my heart's longings, my desires. And He whispers His desires for me, the great plans that He has for me, right to my aching and curious heart, one little step at a time shaping it to be His heart. There is nothing more beautiful than that.

So, like Mumford and Sons sing, "I will wait...I will wait for you."

Because the waiting is beautiful.