Monday, August 4, 2014

Is it okay to be angry at God?


Note: this post is not meant to sound whiney. It's a general post about prayers and anger and venting to God/at God/with God. I know that we all go through things and that we all have hurts in our lives. So that's why I'm asking this question - is it okay to be angry at God?

This question has been stuck in my head for the past few days. I'm not a person who displays my anger outwardly, whether by yelling or raising my voice. I tend to hold anger in (my mom has told me that she knows when I'm mad or angry because I get very, very quiet).

And yet, when I'm mad at God or upset with Him, I express it through angry words, sometimes yelling, and lots of tears. I get frustrated with Him sometimes. Really, really frustrated. My prayers go likes this:

"Why aren't you answering my prayers? Are you even listening to me?"

"You know the desires of my heart. YOU put those desires there. SO WHY AREN'T YOU FULFILLING THEM?"

"You say in the Holy Scripture that you are there. But I can't feel you. Where did you go?"

"Can't you see how much I need you? I am falling apart and you're not there!"

"I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for 'X' to happen...is it time yet? What's taking you so long?"

"You have given me so much...but what I really want is 'insert desire here'...so can you get on that please?"

"SERIOUSLY, GOD. I'M MAD. I'M MAD AT YOU."

So, is it okay to be angry with Him? Because I am sometimes. I get so upset that I'm not where I thought I would be at 26. I thought my life would be completely different than it is. Am I grateful to be where I am? Employed at a job I love, looking forward to a new year? Absolutely, positively, 100 % excited and grateful. I have a wonderful family and the most amazing friends. There are exciting things happening around me and I am so blessed to be involved in some pretty amazing times in my friends' lives.

But it doesn't make this period of waiting and not knowing any easier. I almost feel stuck in my prayer life. I don't want to be mad at God. I love Him above all things. But, sometimes, I think it's easier to be mad at Him than to dwell on this hurt inside my heart. This hurt is very real sometimes. There are days where that's all I can think about and those days are hard. Very, very hard. Those are the days where I have to focus on being happy. Then there are days where I feel like nothing can get me down. That I am on top of the world and I am going to succeed in every little thing that I do. But, it's on those days where I feel downtrodden that I can feel Him carrying me. Because when I hurt, He hurts. When I cry, He cries. When I have those days, and I lash out at Him, I can picture myself just beating my hands against His chest until I collapse in tears. 

Then I get these whispers on my heart. Lately, it's been Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope" or Song of Solomon 4:7, "You are all-beautiful, my beloved, and there is no blemish in you." To me, that means that this anger in my heart, that this hurt that I hold, is not a blemish against God. Instead, it's a time for me to draw closer to Him. By giving Him this hurt, I am giving Him my life. I am giving Him control (and for this type A personality, THAT is one of the hardest things. Ever). 

Has He abandoned me? No. He never will.

Does He still love me even though I'm yelling in human anger? Absolutely.

Is it okay to be angry at God? Yes. Because this anger is not a reflection of Him, but a reflection of my own frustrations. You know the saying, We plan and God laughs. Yeah, that. That's where this anger comes from. But, He comforts me during this anger and whispers to my heart that He loves me.

So I'll keep venting and talking and listening. I'll keep questioning and looking and praying. I'll keep growing and learning and loving.

Because I am His beloved and He is mine.

Rachel

7 comments:

  1. I love this post. A beautiful reflection! Not easy to admit these things to the world, but so true for all of us. Also, those verses are perfect for tough times. Hugs!! (Be)loved. <3

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  2. Hi! I am glad you commented on my blog today and yes, this post is so similar to what you wrote recently. My favorite from this post: "So, is it okay to be angry with Him? Because I am sometimes. I get so upset that I'm not where I thought I would be at 26. I thought my life would be completely different than it is."

    Ummm I have SAID that before. Like that exact phrase...except I was 28 when I said it. LOL If you asked me what my life was going to be like when I was an ambitious 21 year old college grad...it would be SOOO very different from what my reality is now. I know it's not a bad thing. In many ways it's actually a very good thing and I thank God for changing up my small-minded plans. But some ways the plans changed just stink...and are painful. When ideals and dreams get torn apart by cold reality...ugh!

    Thanks for sharing this and for being honest.

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    1. Thank you for posting what you did. It's comforting to know that, even though our struggles may be different, we're not alone.

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  3. Oh, I agree with this SO much. For a long time, I tried to rationalize away my anger with God, because I know He's all good, that He loves me, etc. But there was such amazing healing when I finally turned to Him and told Him how angry I was. I think that's the key. Do you turn toward Him in the anger (like you have obviously done) or away? Taking it too Him and trusting Him with it is a good thing, even though it can be a process.

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    1. I like those questions! I always try and remember to take my anger to Him and trust Him with it, over running away. Thank you thank you!

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