Monday, August 11, 2014

Little Happies (4)

Wow. I haven't written one of these posts in a really long time. Note to self: Get better at posting the happy things in my life, of which there are plenty, and not just about being angry at God (thank you for your kind words, blogging world).

So here go, the best little link-up in the blog-o-sphere. My little happies.

(1). My classroom!

Ahh!! Today I started my first day of teaching. But, look, my classroom is done! And for this non-Pinterest-y girl, I think it looks pretty darn good. Don't mind me if I toot my own horn, but these are MY little happies. I am so excited to be in my classroom. I am also so nervous that I'm surprised I'm sleeping at night and not living solely off caffeinated beverages. Today went off as well as can be expected! I met my kiddos, introduced myself, explained how our classroom was going to run, and got to know them a little bit better. I can't wait to see what Day 2 has in store!

(2) This food!

So, a two weekends ago, I caved. And went to Five Guys. Never fear! They have a grilled cheese, for all you non-meat-eating folks out there. The grilled cheese is essentially a hamburger bun with slices of cheese in the middle. For good measure, I added grilled jalapeƱos. And a HUGE order of fries. Seriously, those fries should be illegal or something. They are way too good. I also wanted to eat salad for the next one million years. Or at least until I cave and go back to Five Guys (any takers??)

(3) My nails!

Okay, so indulge me for a moment. Please do not take note of the sloppy job I did on my nails. BUT, do note that they are glittery and magnificent. This nail polish, ladies and gentlemen, is called "The Horcrux of It." That's right. I found Harry Potter nail polish. I may or may not have had a slight huge freak out when I found this beyond amazing website. And guess what?? They have two whole lines of Harry Potter-inspired nail polishes! No, I have not ordered more. I figure that I should let my heart calm down until I have a not-so-good day and then order a bottle as a happy for myself. Point is, HARRY POTTER NAIL POLISH. All is right the world (of Harry Potter nerds). And they all rejoiced (one million House points for the geniuses behind Harry Potter nail polish).

(4) A wedding!!

This past weekend, I got to attend my first-ever Jewish wedding ceremony. Yes, that is a Chuppah, and it symbolizes the openness of the couple's new home (love should have not walls to keep family and friends out). It was one of the most beautiful ceremonies that I have ever witnessed. The love between the couple was palpable to everyone in attendance. The Hebrew spoken was absolutely beautiful, and I found myself recognizing a few words. Most of the weddings I have attended have been Catholic, so it was interesting to see another faith's wedding ceremony. The food afterwards was DELICIOUS. The company wasn't too bad - I got to see my old coworkers! Happy Rachel!

(5) These beautifully amazing gorgeous people!

I love when friends come in town! The gorgeous lady in the photo on the left (not me, the other one) is my college roommate. She came in town for the night and we met up for brunch and fellowship. As she starts her medical residency, our time together is very precious. So, any chance we have of meeting up, we take advantage of it. Now to the beautiful people (and baby) in the picture on the right. These precious girls are my best friends from high school! The lady holding the baby is my best friend, Caitlin. She's getting married (AH!) and we had her shower a few weeks ago. I had been unable to attend her bachelorette trip, so helping to throw a shower was awesome! We played some fun games and we got to pass around sweet Noah (his mom is the one farthest to the right). We actually got asked who the baby belonged to because we kept passing him around. Side Note: I went to dinner with Noah's father while his precious momma was out of town and a college student informed me that I had a cute baby. I just said thank you, left the restaurant, and proceeded to break down into laughter. So did Caroline, thank goodness. I mean, he is a cute baby (his momma is pretty great too).

So, there you have it. My five little happies. I promise to try and be better about posting these. There are just so many little happies in my life right now that I don't know where to start. Right now, however, I'm going to go cook my dinner, eat, relax, and SLEEP before I begin Day 2 of teaching. Prayers would be appreciated!

Also, if you want to come cook dinner, I would gladly accept.

No takers? Fine. I'll go cook dinner.


Monday, August 4, 2014

Is it okay to be angry at God?

Note: this post is not meant to sound whiney. It's a general post about prayers and anger and venting to God/at God/with God. I know that we all go through things and that we all have hurts in our lives. So that's why I'm asking this question - is it okay to be angry at God?

This question has been stuck in my head for the past few days. I'm not a person who displays my anger outwardly, whether by yelling or raising my voice. I tend to hold anger in (my mom has told me that she knows when I'm mad or angry because I get very, very quiet).

And yet, when I'm mad at God or upset with Him, I express it through angry words, sometimes yelling, and lots of tears. I get frustrated with Him sometimes. Really, really frustrated. My prayers go likes this:

"Why aren't you answering my prayers? Are you even listening to me?"

"You know the desires of my heart. YOU put those desires there. SO WHY AREN'T YOU FULFILLING THEM?"

"You say in the Holy Scripture that you are there. But I can't feel you. Where did you go?"

"Can't you see how much I need you? I am falling apart and you're not there!"

"I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for 'X' to it time yet? What's taking you so long?"

"You have given me so much...but what I really want is 'insert desire here' can you get on that please?"


So, is it okay to be angry with Him? Because I am sometimes. I get so upset that I'm not where I thought I would be at 26. I thought my life would be completely different than it is. Am I grateful to be where I am? Employed at a job I love, looking forward to a new year? Absolutely, positively, 100 % excited and grateful. I have a wonderful family and the most amazing friends. There are exciting things happening around me and I am so blessed to be involved in some pretty amazing times in my friends' lives.

But it doesn't make this period of waiting and not knowing any easier. I almost feel stuck in my prayer life. I don't want to be mad at God. I love Him above all things. But, sometimes, I think it's easier to be mad at Him than to dwell on this hurt inside my heart. This hurt is very real sometimes. There are days where that's all I can think about and those days are hard. Very, very hard. Those are the days where I have to focus on being happy. Then there are days where I feel like nothing can get me down. That I am on top of the world and I am going to succeed in every little thing that I do. But, it's on those days where I feel downtrodden that I can feel Him carrying me. Because when I hurt, He hurts. When I cry, He cries. When I have those days, and I lash out at Him, I can picture myself just beating my hands against His chest until I collapse in tears. 

Then I get these whispers on my heart. Lately, it's been Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare, not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope" or Song of Solomon 4:7, "You are all-beautiful, my beloved, and there is no blemish in you." To me, that means that this anger in my heart, that this hurt that I hold, is not a blemish against God. Instead, it's a time for me to draw closer to Him. By giving Him this hurt, I am giving Him my life. I am giving Him control (and for this type A personality, THAT is one of the hardest things. Ever). 

Has He abandoned me? No. He never will.

Does He still love me even though I'm yelling in human anger? Absolutely.

Is it okay to be angry at God? Yes. Because this anger is not a reflection of Him, but a reflection of my own frustrations. You know the saying, We plan and God laughs. Yeah, that. That's where this anger comes from. But, He comforts me during this anger and whispers to my heart that He loves me.

So I'll keep venting and talking and listening. I'll keep questioning and looking and praying. I'll keep growing and learning and loving.

Because I am His beloved and He is mine.