Sunday, July 13, 2014

Am I enough?


This question has been floating around in my mind for the past month. Over the last few months, I made the bold decision to leave a job I love sooner than I intended to do something I thought I wouldn't get to do until 2015 - teach. That's right, I am officially a teacher.

Okay, so not really officially, yet. I will be doing intern teaching this fall in place of student teaching. Basically, the fall semester will be my "student teaching" semester and then in January, I will be on my own - with no supervisor from my university. Scary, right? So, over the past month, I have left my old job. This job will always hold a special place in my heart. I worked with the best possible people, made some amazing new friends, and learned so much about myself. As I stated in my Facebook status, each person I encountered pushed me to become a better me and inspired me beyond anything I could have possibly imagined. While preparing to leave this job (and yes, I did prepare...by crying every so often), I was taking class, meeting with my new principal and attending in-service, and trying not to freak out.

So I didn't really succeed on the "not freaking out" thing. In fact, I just had a minor breakdown in front of my mother (God bless her), complete with my (mostly silent) hysterics of "I don't know. I can't do this. What was I thinking?" She saw my face and was patient, as mothers tend to be, and reminded me that I know more than I think I do and that I can do this. I am more than capable of writing lesson plans, being creative with activities, and teaching my students.

Will I be a perfect first-year teacher? Nope. That doesn't exist.

Will I make mistakes and have some bumps along the way? Absolutely. Even seasoned teachers do.

Will there be days that I want to go home and cry? Duh. (Not surprising. I cry at almost anything).

Will there be times that I am inspired and surprised by my students? A resounding yes.

Will I be enough for my students? Yes.

Will I be enough for myself? Again, yes.

Because I am enough for Him. Our loving Father placed me at this school. He led me to this position. Through much prayer and some ranting, He listened to my heart and He knew, not what I wanted, but what I needed. I prayed for God to lead me to the right position and if that happened after student teaching, I was ready to accept those months without an income. I was preparing for that possibility. And then one day, I received an email about a possible position. I met with the principal and immediately fell in love with the school. The school is a Catholic school and really embraces that identity. There is weekly Mass, monthly Rosary and Adoration, and a Saint of the Day lesson. I have never before been to a school where the Catholic identity is that prevalent. And I love it. This position will push me to become the best teacher possible for my students. I will be outside of my comfort zone, but I am embracing that and I look forward to it with such excitement. God knew that this school was the right place for me to grow in both my faith and my experience. Turns out, this is both what I wanted AND what I needed. Funny how God answered this prayer with BOTH.

Through this, God has shown me that I am enough for Him. Despite my critical inner monologue about my failure because I didn't accomplish a, b, or c today, I am not a failure. Rather, I am His success, a some times messy success (I am human, after all). I may be a mess some times, but I am His mess. His wonderful, beautiful, crazy mess.

I am enough. Because I am His.

And now I am going to go wipe these tears off my face.

Peace!
Rachel

3 comments:

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  2. Great post! I can't wait to see where this teaching adventure takes you! I'm here for ya if you need me, especially if it involves helping you eat chocolate and watch Twilight after a good cry session. Hugs and prayers!

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    1. Always down for chocolate and Twilight (even if there is no crying involved)! Thank you, Steph! I'm so excited and so grateful that I can call you whenever and you'll get it. Hugs!!

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